Help! I woke up with a pimple on my butt.

Have you ever woken your ass up and gone to the toilet to find that your ass is already wide awake?

Let me explain this further. Have you ever sat down on the bathroom’s throne and found that you’ve felt like your ass is punching you hard maybe because it’s angry that it’s, well, your ass? The pain is real. It’s almost like a bruise and a stab combined. Like Conor McGregor slayed only your buttocks last night in the Octagon.

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When you glare at the mirror, your back facing it, your head stretching its way behind, you find that it’s none other than a huge ass (literally) pimple. It throbs. It aches. And you can’t bear thinking you have to endure the entire day sitting on it. What exactly is it? How did you get it? And why oh why does it hurt so much?

Yep, we’ve all been there. I have been there. You are definitely not alone.

Experts call this, “butt-ne.” A stupid ass name if you ask me. It could have been called simply “bootie bump,” “rump rupture,” “shit zit,” or simply “pooper pimple.” But who are we to disagree with the medical community?

In any case, just as you’d get acne on your face, back, or anywhere else, it’s definitely normal to wake up with a pus-filled sore on your rear-end. The reasons are bountiful. It could be from hormones, or it could be from bacteria down there: sweat, stink, bad wiping. The list goes on. Of course, the best way to actually prevent another pimple on your butt is to keep it clean.

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If you’ve seen that the zit has formed a white head, try to pop it with clean hands and a tissue over it. If it’s just forming, don’t be tempted to squeeze, for bacteria can spread and you can cause an infection. Remember: An infected butt is ten times worse. After popping, clean it with an alcohol wipe to kill any bacteria. Then put a salicylic acid, sulfur or benzoyl peroxide creams (your choice!) over it. Finally, put a Band-Aid over so that you can let it heal.

After it’s healed, you can definitely take measures to prevent “butt-ne.” That is, exfoliating with a nice exfoliating body wash. Sometimes, dead cells do clump together and create pimples. Keep it clean, keep it dry, keep it bacteria-free. Of course, we don’t recommend moisturizing your butt or adding any acne-preventing creams down there. Since your butt doesn’t have pores like your face, it doesn’t need to be moisturized as regularly and is far less acne-prone. AKA: “butt-ne” is pretty rare but on the chance you do get it, brace yourself for a week of discomfort. Butt-ne: It sure is a pain in the ass.

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